How To Support A Jealous Partner
If your partner gets jealous and you don't, the absolute worst thing you can do when they're going through it is shame them for having their feelings.
Want to maintain open communication and trust in your relationship? Then you need to hold space for all the feelings, not just the positive ones. Instead of blaming your partner for raining on your parade, or worse, trying to get them to comfort you for your response to their response to your actions, sit with them. Be curious. What feelings are coming up for them? Is it bringing up something from the past? Is this just a situation where they need some comfort and reassurance from you, or do you need to change your agreements in some way?
This is also where boundaries come into play. They might make a request that you don't feel comfortable meeting, and it's okay to say, “I can't do that for you, but maybe we can try this other thing that can meet your need.”
Seeing your partner suffering is objectively difficult. Seeing your partner suffer (in part) because of something you’ve done is even harder. But, you can support them with their feelings without stopping what you’re doing, and without going into saviour mode.
As someone who doesn’t really experience jealousy that often, my polyamorous experience has mostly been dealing with other peoples jealousy as opposed to my own. And believe me, I was not good at it at first! But over time, I’ve learned to recognise when I’m acting in a selfish way and to sit with my partner’s feelings rather than blaming them for my own discomfort.
Speaking from experience, it can be really hard to stay regulated in the moment, especially if you guilty or ashamed for how your partner is responding to the things that you're doing with other people, but that is no excuse for you to then deflect that shame onto your partner.
If you are struggling with jealousy, or you are struggling to stay regulated when your partner is going through jealousy, I can help! Book a peer support session with me, and we can talk through the specific issues you’re going through, what comes up when you’re in conflict, and what might best help for your situation.
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