Just Because It Feels Dangerous, That Doesn’t Always Mean It Is.
If you grew up being taught things like "Your partner loving someone else means they don't love you and you are deficient as a person", of course you would find polyamory an incredibly activating experience at first. These narratives don't disappear overnight, and live in your nervous system - so when you feel jealous or insecure, that's your body responding to protect you from something it was taught was threatening your survival.
To give an example: I often find that people with trauma around cheating (whether they were cheated on themselves, or witnessed the betrayal that can come from infidelity to someone close to them growing up) tend to struggle with polyamory more because both situations involve someone having multiple partners - the difference is that one is occuring in secrecy and betrayal, and the other is happening with full awareness and explicit agreement. You can logically understand your partner is not cheating on you but still *feel* like they are because of what the situation reminds you of. That's not a reason to project and lash out at your partner that they're a bad person (because they're not - they're doing what you agreed!) but it does explain the big feelings that can come up. That's okay!
Sometimes we feel activated/dysregulated by things because they remind you of something you were taught was bad, or something bad that happened in your past. This is not the same as the thing actually being bad, or bad things actually happening right now.
This is where self-care and emotional regulation skills comes in. Find techniques that soothe your nervous system and put you in a state of safety and calm. Find a healthy, productive outlet for your feelings instead of bottling them up and exploding. Then, talk to someone supportive and see what you can learn from the experience. Over time, it does get better.
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