Why I’m Sick and Tired of Hierarchy Discourse

Written By Leanne Yau

Let’s talk about hierarchy. More importantly, let’s talk about HOW we talk about hierarchy…because some of you are missing the entire point.

I genuinely do not care whether you call yourself hierarchical or not. I care about what you're actually saying, doing, and thinking in your non-monogamous relationship, NOT the labels you're using.

There are many definitions of hierarchy in polyamory, and people are frankly wasting time arguing about the "real" definition and attacking/confusing people, instead of focusing on what's important: real world IMPACT.

Way too many people are fighting over what agreements are hierarchical/non-hierarchical, when the REAL focus should be on how certain agreements or logistical entanglements affect other relationships in tangible ways, whether intentionally or not.

How does your polyamory look day to day? What conversations are you having with 3 partners? How conscious/mindful are you of navigating power dynamics in polyamorous relationships? How do you provide support (or now are you supported) in situations impacted by couple privilege?

We live in a mononormative society steeped in hierarchy. There are things you can do to mitigate couple privilege, but that does not change how your relationship is perceived/valued by society. There are factors involved that have nothing to do with personal values.

I live with a partner and don’t want to live with more, not because I don’t believe in egalitarianism, but because I’m autistic and would find that overwhelming. Whether you feel that is hierarchical or not, the fact is that my arrangement WILL affect how and who I date

Some aspects of couple privilege can be mitigated/dismantled. Others cannot be, for a variety of reasons. No matter what your setup is, there are real-world impacts when you live in a society that will always try to project mononormativity onto you, and that cannot be ignored. Even if you're doing everything you can to treat your partners equally, you can't control folks who will only see one or none of your relationships as “real”. That is going to affect you, even if you don't want it to.

Any polyamorous person can call themselves whatever they want, but that doesn't mean they're doing the work because labels mean nothing without follow-up action. Some people who identify as “hierarchical” can be considerate and accountable to "secondary" partners, and some people who identify as “non-hierarchical" can be careless and irresponsible to allegedly "equal” partners. It's not black and white.

Instead of blaming and shaming, or assuming that all people who subscribe to hierarchy are doing so with the same motivations or have the same definition of the term as you, there are better ways we can approach these issues.

Let's actually have productive conversations to motivate the will to change harmful behaviours (which can be present in ALL non-monogamous relationships, not just ones that claim to be "hierarchical"). Harmful behaviour often can and does coincide with hierarchy, but not always.

As a polyamory educator, peer supporter, and trainee therapist, I'm not here to provide the "ultimate" or "correct” definition of hierarchy - such discussions are ultimately pointless and confusing distractions. We can absolutely talk about the effects of couple privilege, learning to be more considerate of others, improving communication and increasing our window of tolerance to create more flexibility in our polyamory - without shaming people about hierarchy.

I'm here to provide emotional support and practical advice to folks who are struggling with being polyamorous in a mononormative world, the real-life consequences of that, internal and external, and how they can manage those impacts in their polycules. That's what matters to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for treating all of your partners as fairly as possible to the best of your ability, but I am also a realist. I currently live with one partner, and that has massively impacted how we navigate our relationships with other people compared to when I was living alone. When my partner had another girlfriend, there were various conflicts that all three of us had to navigate around how we used our shared space for dates (more about that on Patreon).

I don’t want marriage and I don’t want kids, but other people are allowed to make those choices in their relationships as long as they understand what impact that is going to have on other people they’re connected to or may connect with the future. I believe you can be married and align with non-hierarchical values - but that is the start, and not the end, of a very complex conversation.

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Leanne Yau
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