Jealousy and Compersion Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Written By Leanne Yau

Jealousy and compersion can exist simultaneously. If you are in a long-term relationship and start dating someone new in polyamory, your existing partner may be supportive of your new relationship AND struggle with the change. This is not a contradiction. Here's what you do...

In polyamory, we honour our own autonomy and our partners', while also being considerate of each other's feelings as we exercise freedom of connection. You are allowed to explore sex/relationships with others, AND you should support your partner(s) with empathy while you do so. 

We're taught in monogamy that if your partner is upset by what you're doing, it means what you're doing is WRONG and you should STOP. So in polyamory, it can be hard to separate what you're doing from how your partner feels about it...but remember they are DIFFERENT THINGS. 

While your partner's struggle doesn't necessarily make your excitement for your new partner "wrong", it can be very easy to feel rejected/ashamed. That's okay - but resist the urge to then blame/shame your partner for their feelings and accuse them of "raining on your parade". 

I get it - you're excited by someone new, and you don't want to deal with the shame you feel from a hurting partner, as well as the shame of mononormativity. But also, dealing with multiple people's feelings is EXACTLY what you signed up for in polyamory. It's your job to deal! 

Your commitments/responsibilities to your existing partner(s) are just as important as the commitments/responsibilities you have to your new partner(s). Polyamory means more love, but it also means more care, communication, and accountability for hurt, intentional or not. 

You are not wrong to start a new, consensual relationship in a polyamorous setup, and you don't have to stop everything the moment someone feels bad. But, if you keep doing what you're doing without providing emotional support and care to your partner(s)... then you're being a bad hinge. 

Hold space for your partner's feelings, without taking on blame/shame for yourself. This is easier said than done - most people are not great at tolerating others' distress, and this is where a lot of learning, growth, and healing happens depending on your past experiences. 

Feelings are temporary, and will pass. Mononormativity takes time to unlearn, and it's okay to just sit in the mess together. Move THROUGH the conflicting feelings together, not AWAY from them. Don't replicate the same patterns you did before by avoiding the work you need to do. 

Once your partner's had time to experience their feelings, the next step is asking if there's anything that needs to be done/changed. Sometimes, holding space is all your partner needed. Other times, their feelings indicate you need to make a change to your agreements. 

Jealousy is sometimes an internal problem (trauma, insecurities etc), and other times an external problem (unmet needs, incompatibility etc) - often, it's a bit of both. Get deep to the core of your jealousy, THEN figure out what action (if any) to take. 

There's a big difference betwen "I'm hurt, so hold me while I work through this but I'll be okay" and "I'm hurt, and I need us to change XYZ so this doesn't happen again". Clarify with your partner what they want from you specifically and don't project or make assumptions. 

Reflect on the experience together, and take some time to reconnect and reaffirm your love and commitment to each other. Polyamory is like parenting - emotionally difficult, yet rewarding - and if you're aligned on your long-term values and goals, it brings you closer together. 

Healthy polyamory is the art of balancing freedom and responsibility, not just doing whatever you want without consequences. So yes, enjoy the freedom of loving multiple people, AND be prepared to take on all the responsibilities that come with doing so. 

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Leanne Yau
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