Polyamory Doesn’t Mean Zero Boundaries.
Polyamory doesn’t mean you have to be okay with everything, nor does it mean you have to ‘work on’ being okay with everything. Being flexible can be a good thing, but that doesn’t mean your boundaries and limits are ‘wrong’ or don’t matter.
Unlearning the conditioning we were taught under mononormativity involves interrogating a lot of the boundaries we previously treated as non-negotiable or took for granted, and that is a good thing! However, something I've noticed in some polyamorous spaces is people going too far in the other direction, to the point where there's a weird pressure to just have no boundaries at all. I've seen people shaming others for not being okay with certain things in non-monogamy when ultimately it's just a difference in preferences rather than a huge moral failing. And yet, any differences are treated like the other person isn't evolved enough or still holding onto monogamous ideals that they need to unpack.
I say this to my peer support clients a lot in sessions: "Just because your boundaries are incompatible, it doesn't necessarily mean your boundaries are wrong to have." Don't feel comfortable to meet your metamour yet? Don't date someone who wants kitchen table polyamory immediately, date someone who is down with parallel polyamory or is happy to take things at your pace. Don't want to regularly be forced to leave your tiny one-bedroom home so your nesting partner can have sex with their other partner in your bed? Not everyone's going to be down with that, but that doesn't mean you can't find someone who can accommodate that and who has similar values around how you want to treat your shared domestic space. Don't date people who would feel controlled or restricted by your boundaries - date people who are happy to respect them.
On the other hand, there is nuance - I think being overly strict with your boundaries is going to naturally limit the kinds of people you and your partner(s) can form connections with. And if you are struggling to date people who are happy to respect the boundaries you've put forward, it might be time to re-evaluate whether you are playing fair. A classic example: unicorn hunters creating a laundry list of requirements for their ideal 'third' and eventually realising that woman literally does not exist because the 'deal' they're putting forward is so grossly unappealing and puts all the risk on the third party. So, every now and then, it's important to think about *why* you have a boundary in place, and whether it serves you in the way you think it does.
Everyone finds their own balance with this kind of thing, and what's good for you may not be good for me. But, if you need help figuring out whether your boundaries are actually unreasonable or if you're just in an incompatible dynamic, my peer support bookings are open 💛
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