Polyamory Isn’t Inherently Radical

I will die on this hill: polyamory is not an inherently radical practice, because it very much depends on the way you practice it.

Every relationship style can be weaponised by the patriarchy. While the institition of mononormativity (especially marriage) has close ties to the patriarchy, polyamory/non-monogamy is not immune to it either - see unicorn hunting, One Penis Policies, multiple women parenting one incompetent male partner…

Anyone feeling forced to practice a relationship style (monogamous or not!) that they do not want is not empowering. A man dating multiple girlfriends while taking zero accountability and getting all of them to take care of all the emotional labour is not feminist. A couple repeatedly picking up and discarding single bisexual women and treating them like objects without boundaries or feelings is not progressive. A straight man telling his queer girlfriend that he won’t tolerate her own desire/choice to have other dicks in her because it makes him feel like less of a man is not revolutionary.

Having multiple partners doesn’t make you automatically more “evolved”, and wanting one romantic relationship at a time doesn’t have to mean you’re anti-feminist. Whether or not your relationship is radical does not depend on the number of people involved, but instead on intention, action, and personal responsibility. I have seen many controlling polyamorous dynamics just as I have seen expansive monogamous ones. While progressive folks are much more likely to explore polyamory and conservative folks monogamy, this isn’t always the case. Let’s not make any grand statements about how inherently left-wing or right wing a relationship style is - and look at what people are actually doing in those structures!