What To Do If Your Partner Is In A Toxic Relationship

A lot of polyamorous people will NOT like what I have to say about this, but…your partner is unfortunately allowed to make the choice to be in shitty, toxic, and even abusive relationships. 

Seeing your partner date someone who you feel is treating them less well than what you think they deserve can be extremely frustrating and painful to witness - but speaking from personal and professional experience, trying to control the situation is likely to make things worse, not better. 

There is a mountain of research that demonstrates that you cannot convince someone to leave a toxic relationship until and unless they are genuinely ready to leave out of their own choice and personal volition. If someone is being stripped of their autonomy in a relationship, you don’t fix that by taking away even more autonomy from them by telling them what they should do, shaming them, or questioning their choices. 

Sharing your opinion about a metamour, verbalising observations of things they’re doing and how they impact your partner that you don’t think is okay, and then letting your partner make their own informed decision, is absolutely fine. It’s what you’d do for a close friend! However, telling your partner they’re forbidden from dating someone because you think they’re bad for them and you want to protect them from harm edges into control - and has a chance of blowing up in your face.

What you can do is set boundaries around your exposure to that person, or info about the relationship. You can also suggest your partner seek out professional help, so they can speak to a neutral third party who doesn’t have a vested interest in the situation, and can help them make autonomous choices and set appropriate boundaries. But, it’s not your job to manage your partner’s relationship or their decisions, even if you feel you know what’s best for them. You’re a partner, not a parent. 

Also, consider that maybe your partner’s relationship isn’t actually toxic - it’s just not what YOU would want in a relationship. And that’s okay, because you and your partner are different people who may want different things out of non-monogamy! You and your partner don’t have to be doing or desiring the same stuff, because you’re each on individual journeys of self-discovery while staying connected as partners. So check yourself before you start projecting unfairly onto your partner. 

If your partner is in a genuinely abusive relationship with their other partner, the best thing you can do for them is to empower them to make their own choices. Continue to love and support them, and witness them and what they are going through. Set a positive example of the love you feel they deserve so they can raise their own standards for how they want to be treated. But most importantly, honour your own capacity and boundaries through this process, because your needs/feelings matter too. 

And here’s a tough question: if your partner refuses to see the red flags and is actively making you feel unsafe by staying in a toxic relationship…what does that say about them and their relationship with you? Part of being a good hinge managing multiple partners is taking responsibility for yourself, so your partners aren’t overfunctioning around you or cleaning up after your mess. So how much can you really trust your partner to show up and advocate for themselves - and by extension, for you? 

You don't have to like what your partner is doing in their other relationships, but ultimately, they get to make their own decisions, even bad ones. You can't control them, but you can control how you respond. Unfortuantely, in some situations, the best thing you can do is to leave, not because you don't love your partner, but for your own safety and wellbeing. You do not have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your partner's relationship out of love for them. That's not loving to yourself. 

Unfortunately, sometimes witnessing the relationships your partners build with other people end up revealing truths about them that make you see your own relationship differently, in ways that are hard to come back from. Sometimes people engage in relationships out of low self-worth, and that has dire consequences for the people around them that isn't fair to anyone. Your partner deserves support - but so do you. And if your partner refuses to leave...all you can do is save yourself.