I Don’t Care If Your Polyamorous Relationship is “Hierarchical” - Here’s What Actually Matters

Written By Leanne Yau

I don't care whether you define your polyamorous relationship as hierarchical or not. What I want to know is:

  • What existing commitments and priorities do you have in your life, and what limitations might those create for your other connections?

  • Have you and your partner agreed on any additional limitations?

  • What logistical enmeshments (marriage, nesting, kids) do you desire, and with one partner, many, or none?

  • How can we accommodate each other to make room for our connection to grow?”

Hierarchy is an incredibly complex topic in non-monogamy. The trouble is, when people debate it, they often don't have the same definitions of the term, and so end up talking at cross purposes. I wrote the above 2 years ago, and people are still having the same arguments now as they did back then.

When someone says they have a "primary", do they mean a "I live with them so I prioritise their needs when it comes to our shared home" primary, or a "I will dump you without explanation because they said so" primary? I'm less interested in labels, and more in actual agreements/expectations. Most people agree veto power is hierarchical, but disagree on whether marriage/kids/cohabitation creates 'inherent' hierarchy. Statements like "hierarchy is unethical" are surface-level and do not address the myriad ways people define and understand hierarchy or ethics. Not only that - it also makes the community more unsafe, because shaming people often doesn't provoke self-reflection, but defensiveness and further dishonesty. Most polyamorous people have met someone who claimed to be non-hierarchical but turned out to be practising sneakyarchy. How might we change that culture? Probably not by making grandiose, holier-than-thou statements.

When I work with clients who identify as hierarchical, I approach things the same way as with anyone else. I'm not here to judge or prescribe, but to listen, honour your experience, and (where I can) reduce harm. So I explore things like:

  • How can you do this in a way that works not just for you, but also those around you?

  • What do you mean when you say you want to be prioritised, and are there more flexible ways you can do this that accommodate those you care for, and extend your empathy beyond your couple dynamic?

  • What insecurities are you holding onto that limit the depth of your connections with others, and is that something you would like to change?

  • How can you be more considerate of your impact on others while honouring your own needs and desires?

  • How can you more clearly communicate to others so they know what they're signing up for?

TL;DR - hierarchy is not black-and-white. Approach with empathy/curiosity, not shame.

If you found this article helpful, consider the following:

Leanne Yau
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