A Breakup Isn’t Failure
Have you ever felt compelled to stay in a bad polyamorous relationship because you were afraid that if you broke up, people would invalidate your experience by blaming the breakup on polyamory itself? Or, have you ever stayed in connection with someone that you were incompatible with because you felt you "should" deescalate and stay friends rather than have a clean break?
I've been there and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to just break up without needing to maintain a friendship. If that is something that feels good to do, or if you simply don't want to put in the work to make the transition from lovers to friends.
Breakups suck, but they should always be an option - no matter how much you love them, no matter how long you've been together, and no matter what entanglements, financially or otherwise, you have together. I don't believe in unconditional love in adult relationships - that's a surefire recipe for getting you into a miserable situation at best, and a toxic one at worst. And I DEFINITELY don't believe in "staying together for the kids".
If you love someone, you want to support them in their happiness and fulfill their dreams. And unfortunately, sometimes you are in the way of their happiness and dreams, so you need to let go of them (and your ego) if you truly love them. Harsh, but true.
A relationship that ends is not always a failed relationship. A relationship that stays intact even when everyone is miserable has arguably failed more than one that broke up because they recognised their incompatibilities and let each other go before more resentment grew. Breaking up is sometimes the most loving act you can do for a partner, and what best guarantees happiness for everyone long-term.
I've seen way too many situations where someone's pride or conflict avoidance got in the way of realising that they were just not what their partner wanted or needed. Before long, resentment got in the way and a friendship couldn't even be salvaged from the wreckage of a relationship that could have ended a lot sooner and a lot more amicably. I've worked with peer support clients who were navigating how to approach a breakup in an amicable way, I've supported many couples and polycules post-breakup on navigating the transition, and I've been there to help people process so many difficult but necessary emotions. And every time, all parties were better off, happier, and found more compatible partners.
So for example, if one of you wants polyamory and the other wants (mutually exclusive) monogamy, or one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, and it's something of great importance to you both and neither of you want to change, seriously just break up. People are allowed to change and grow in different directions, and it does not serve anyone to stay together.
Breakups are not an indication of failure, and relationship length does not guarantee success or happiness. There is great strength in recognising when a connection has run its course and knowing when to change things or to stop. You are not bad at polyamory for ending a relationship. Change is hard, but with the right support you will get through to the other side.
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