Your Partners Don’t Have To Be Friends

Written By Leanne Yau

Is this a hot take? I don't think it should be... but in my opinion, if you think about it, only dating people who can be good friends with your pre-existing partners inherently sets up a bit of a power dynamic.

Now, please read. Notice that I said *good friends*. I'm not saying "being friendly and cordial" or "respectful acquaintances" (which is pretty low-stakes and reasonable) - I mean *friends* who actually *vibe*. That's a lot more to ask of someone, I think, than simply "getting along" with your metamour.

If we can agree that it's problematic to demand a new partner date your existing partner and that you will break up if either relationship doesn't work out, all because you want to be in a throuple and can't handle dating separately...then it follows that it's similarly problematic to demand that they be friends because you want kitchen table polyamory. Polyamory works best when connections are independent from each other and don't hinge on other connections continuing. I said what I said.

I expect my partners not to be assholes to each other. Beyond that, whatever relationship they wanna have is up to them, including none at all. I don't need them to be into the same stuff, I don't need them to hang out regularly (with or without me), I just need them to respect each other's relationships with me and treat each other with a baseline level of decency if they ever need to interact. I'm all about prioritising autonomy in my relationships, and I would never want my partner to stop dating someone just because I don't 'approve'.

Funnily enough, I've found that when I do that, they actually are more likely to want to be actual friends when they know they don't have to be!

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Leanne Yau
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